Total Recall is one of the best sci-fi movies of the 90s. The combination of its setting, story, and leading man Arnold Schwarzenegger combined to make it one of the most memorable films in history. I fully admit that like Predator and Robocop I was probably way too young to be watching it at the time but I’m glad I did. And like the two previously mentioned films I had the common sense to stay away from their video game counterparts. With the trifecta of Jaws, Back to the Future, and Rambo having ruined my childhood I knew Total Recall would be bad. But I underestimated just how bad it actually is. Stay the hell away from this game.
Total Recall was not done by Acclaim’s usual partner in crime LJN. This was developed by Interplay, of future Baldur’s Gate fame. But back in 1990 they were still finding their legs. And boy did they have a long way to go. Make no mistake, although this isn’t by the usual dastardly duo it is no less dreadful. I’m proud to say I did not buy this or even rent it. I played it at some other poor bastard’s house and even for free I still regretted it. Bad games like this don’t come along very often so its interesting to examine what went wrong.
To the game’s credit it at least follows the plot of the film. The early stages of the game see Quaid attempt to reach the spaceport and catch a flight to Mars. Almost immediately you’ll notice things are headed in a bad direction. Quaid has a pathetic “punch” as his only means of offense. I say “punch” because it looks more like a sad fist bump with less reach. Occasionally you can disarm an enemy and take their weapon but Quaid will toss it after a few seconds. Why? Later in the game you’ll have a permanent gun but even then you’ll be hard pressed to leave any encounter with taking damage or dying.
The level design in Total Recall has serious problems right off the bat. The opening level chase has random midgets that pull you in an alley for a one on one battle. It’s very annoying and with the atrocious controls good luck avoiding these encounters every time. Once you make it home you have a limited amount of time to knock Lori unconscious before Richter busts in. Once he appears he fires an infinite stream of bullets that kill in one hit. How do you avoid it? Get extremely lucky. If you survive that you’ll eventually hit possibly the worst level in my opinion. In the alleyway you’ll have to contend with bums in areas that are near impossible to avoid and a boss who is almost impossible to hit thanks to the shit hit detection.
It doesn’t get any better on Mars either. The game ramps up the platforming and it barely works. Between ledges that are just barely reachable to awful enemy placement these levels are a nightmare. You get to drive a taxi as a reprieve in three levels, but they might be even worse. Your momentum is lost if you so much as graze a wall. Its actually better to drive slowly since you take damage touching everything. Some of the passages are so tightly laid out I legit thought the game was broken. If Total Recall hasn’t scare you away at this point you deserve to be frustrated by the final levels.
Like just about every bad Acclaim licensed game Total Recall is ridiculously hard and borderline impossible. You can rarely every kill any enemy without being hit. Health power-ups seem to randomly restore health which makes no god damn sense. The awful level design with its terrible enemy placement will make you question if anyone gave a damn while making this. And god help me I don’t think anyone play tested any of the boss encounters. I wonder how many will simply give up after being mowed down by Richter repeatedly. And that is only the first boss encounter in the game! Trust me, it doesn’t get better. And to top it all off you get no continues or passwords. I can’t believe I actually played all the way through this. I hope you all appreciate this.
If you wan even further proof that no one gave a damn about this game look at the game over screen. Upon death you are greeted by a still of Arnold telling you he’ll be back. Yeah wrong movie guys. On Mars when you die antagonist Cohaagen informs you that your game has been terminated. I’m sure they though they were being clever but the pandering is not going to win any fans.
In Closing
By 1990 the majority of us knew Acclaim’s licensed titles were bad. But even with that in mind Total Recall is especially bad. Forget being one of the worst Nintendo games of all time. Total Recall is one of the worst games ever made.
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